I didn’t always believe in love,
and when I did it was the kind that was feed to me by fairytales and movies.
The unrealistic kind. The kind that showed two people willing to sacrifice all
they had for each other. But what no one told me was that it wasn’t always
possible. No one prepared me for the cruel world of love and no one told me I
would find myself one day crying into my pillow thinking it was the end of the
world. Or crying myself to sleep consecutive nights in a row because I was
helpless, I was little and I was weak. From then on, I chose to avoid it.
Before
the “right one” I thought love was a waste of time. Why would I take valuable
time out of my life for someone when I would much rather spend it by myself or
with friends? I was told over and over that I just haven’t met “the one.” Oh
how cliché does that sound? “The one”
like it was some kind of fairytale where Prince Charming comes sweeping me off
my feet and we spend our whole lives together. NO! Every boy, man, guy I’ve met
has deeply disappointed me. They were either sputtering sexual jokes or
profanity in every word they spoke or featured a terrible personality. And I
was right because my “the one” that was meant for me wasn’t a man, a boy, or a
guy. It was a girl.
We met in
gym class through one of my best friends at the time. That year was the best
year of my life because I actually felt like me. I had confidence. I was
social. I had many close friends. My friends were like family to me. But little
did I know that my family would have a new addition.
The first
day was awkward, she looked like a boy and acted like one too. I couldn’t
really tell if she was one until my friend called her name. A bit shocked was
what I was because I had only one other tomboy friend and she was already long
gone out of my life 4 years ago. Interesting wasn’t a good enough word to
describe what she was. One coincidence after another and we exchanged phone
numbers. Why had I been so open to her even though she was a stranger? -- I
honestly did not know but there was just this pull that attracted me to her.
She was special I could feel it.
Day after
day of seeing her, it was just only natural to conversate in person and online.
I found her personality dorky and silly in a funny way. We came friends very
quickly. But what I had not realized
until after everything is that I had been using her at some point. After a
regretful night of chaos and argument with the same friend that introduced us,
I had to look for closure. At that same time, a prank I originally planned with
my friend to convince them that I had been “dating” a boy from my class had
also fallen apart. Why? Because I fell in “love”—not exactly the love you think
but rather a fondness to him even though he had a girlfriend. In the past I had warned close friends of
their boyfriend’s close female friend that they should know their place to not
mess around. And here I was… messing around with fire when I knew clearly of
the situation yet still persisted to go on with it. What was I thinking? Well,
immature high school me thought it was okay, but I guess it really wasn’t. That
night ended with a lonely subway ride home to think and a four hour phone call
to another friend to cry and yell at my stupidity. It was that night that I had
looked for her for companionship. I expressed my “love” in a jokingly way and
it was all in good faith.
What I
took as a joke escalated and before I knew I was being touchy feely with my new
friend. Looking back on my behavior if it were a man that I was doing this to I
would be called A SLUT! Basically, I was seducing her in ways that were seen as
a joke, but in my heart it was also partly real. Because I was hurting, I
resorted to foolish behavior to distract me. This is why, once you have burned
yourself playing with fire you must learn to cautious around it in the future.
But I didn’t. I continued to play with fire in another way that I didn’t know I
was doing.
Did I
kiss her first? It wouldn’t really be a kiss if it wasn’t reciprocated right?
But she dared me, she taunted me and said I didn’t have the guts to. BUT I DID.
Her face. Her shocked face when I was done, I swear it was priceless to see it.
What I would do to see it again.
